Economia divorțului*

În orice relație, oricât de grijuliu ai fi există hopuri și răsturnări de situație. Prietenii și afaceri se vor prăbuși. Cei iubiți se îmbolnăvesc iar unii din ei vor muri. Copiii vor avea nenumărate probleme în drumul lor anevoios spre maturitate, dacă vor ajunge până acolo. Și peste tot în jurul tău vor fi oceane de lupte și despărțiri și divorțuri și nepotriviri de relații care se vor destrăma.

Cu toate acestea întâmplându-se, este o minune că putem rămâne fericiți și productivi și că chiar putem prospera ca oameni. Dar putem. Și vom face asta. Deoarece viața îți servește o salată în care îți pune tot felul de rahaturi iar tu nu poți să alegi meniul. Trebuie doar să îl accepți înghițind în sec. Dar întotdeauna poți alege cum să răspunzi la asta.

Eșecurile sunt greu de acceptat. Le ții ascunse sperând în minuni, legându-te de fiecare rază de speranță. Dar la un moment dat, mai bine mai devreme decât mai târziu, trebuie să accepți starea de fapt și să îți continui viața. Iar odată ce îl recunoști public trebuie să îl accepți. Aici apare și motivul acestui post care apare după o perioadă lungă de tăcere. Dl și Dna Moneyescu nu mai sunt căsătoriți. Deși relația se răcise de ceva timp faptul în sine s-a întâmplat destul de curând așa că situația mai are nevoie de macerare pentru a fi digerată cu totul.

Câteodată, oamenii se dezvoltă diferit de-a lungul anilor și indiferent cât de mult ar lupta pentru relație află că viața în doi nu mai e posibilă. Și când se întâmplă, nici cele mai mari avantaje financiare, nici toți banii de pe lume, nici o familie care te susține sau să trăiești în cele mai frumoase locuri, nimic nu te poate salva.

Deci asta este vestea proastă. Vestea bună este că am avut cea mai civilizată sparare pe care cineva și-ar putea-o dori și vom rămâne amândoi cei mai buni părinți pentru copii.

Vedeți, chiar și cele mai proaste vești pot veni cu o parte bună pe care poți decide să o vezi sau nu și să o folosești pentru creșterea ta viitoare. Acum nu doresc să spun că nu au fost perioade grele atât înainte cât și în timpul acestei experiențe. Divorțul, mai ales când sunt implicați copii, familii și tradiții este al naibii de greu. Este sigur mai greu pentru cel care a sperat mai mult, chiar până în ultima clipă decât pentru cel care a hotărât despărțirea cu ceva timp în urmă și a avut timp să se pregătească mental și să își pregătească viața pentru monogamie.

Dar știi ce ? Sunt o groază de lucruri care sunt foarte grele în viață. Să te naști și să trăiești este greu. Să ai copii este și mai greu. Școala și serviciul sunt și ele grele. Să faci bani este un lucru foarte greu pentru majoritatea oamenilor. Relațiile cu prieteni și membri de familie cu diferite temperamente, obiceiuri, dependențe, violențe sunt cumplit de grele. Viața este plină de greutăți. Cu toate acestea, întotdeauna putem alege cum să răspundem la aceste provocări.

Putem alege să ne concentrăm doar pe cât de nedreaptă este soarta, cât de multă dreptate am avut și cât de mult ne-am străduit pentru a fi bine și cât de prost am fost tratați. Putem de asemenea să luptăm și să urmărim persoana nedreaptă pentru a ne răzbuna. Să fim siguri că înțelege cât de mult a greșit, să plătească pentru fiecare lucru pe care l-a greșit și cât de mult ne-a făcut să suferim.

Sau putem să colectăm oceane de lacrimi de simpatie de la familie și prieteni. Să pierdem ani în retrăirea trecutului într-un amestec de regrete și păreri de rău. Să ne plângem de milă împreună cu toți ceilalți în jurul nostru.

SAU

Putem să ne întoarcem la gândirea pozitivă și să ne reconstruim viața. Să devenim mai buni prin obiceiuri și viață mai sănătoasă. Să ne facem noi relații și să le dezvoltăm pe cele vechi și să fim siguri că vom trimite doar energie pozitivă asupra tuturor persoanelor din viața noastră. Să îi ridicăm pe ceilalți, nu să îi dărâmăm pentru că probleme care să-i dărâme au și singuri. Cum reușim asta ? Pe mine atitudinea stoică mă ajută, tu poți găsi calea ta.

Ca aproape oricând în viață, natura umană ne atrage pe căile cele mai ușoare dar și mai destructive și doar disciplina și conștiința proprie ne poate ridica și așeza înapoi pe un drum mai productiv. Chiar și atunci, aceeași natură umană se luptă pentru a ne trage înapoi și astfel facem greșeli pe care le conșteizăm mai târziu și ne revenim apoi de la ruta autodistructivă, și punem înapoi fața veselă și ne comportăm din nou ca un adult, nu ca un adolescent rănit după prima iubire.

A fost, și este în continuare o perioadă grea dar în același timp simt că am învățat atât de mult încât e imposibil ca această experiență să nu mă ajute să am o viață mai bună în viitor.

Dar ce treabă are viața și eșecurile mele sentimentale cu un blog financiar ? La prima vedere nu prea multe. Totuși în viața contemporană, divorțul este mult prea des întâlnit și la majoritatea le este foarte greu să navigheze prin acest câmp minat. Sun mai multe aspecte care pot fi complicat de abordat.

În primul rând sunt copiii. Ei sunt oricum afectați. În cel mai bun scenariu separarea pentru ei este doar o schimbare în viața anterioară și poți continua să colaborezi cu ex-ul în educația lor într-un mod deschis. Dar cu cât este mai acut conflictul cu fostul partener cu atât este mai dificilă colaborarea ceea ce duce la o experiență mai proastă pentru toată lumea, în special pentru copii.

Apoi este rușinea socială atașată divorțului în cultura noastră. Deși ar putea fi văzut ca un sfârșit natural al unui aranjament, alți oameni îl vor vedea ca un eșec, o trădare sau chiar un păcat. Oamenii, care poate chiar nu te cunosc, vor specula asupra caracterului tău și al motivelor ceea ce aduce durere la o situație deja dificilă. Singura soluție pe care am găsit-o este pur și simplu să ignori și să îți continui viața după cum îți dictează vocea ta interioară.

În final este costul financiar. Este de notorietate că divorțul distruge vieți și averi și în multe cazuri chiar așa se întâmplă. Asta deoarece orice conflict este o formă de război iar războiul este cea mai scumpă invenție a omului. Dacă angajezi mercenari (a se citi avocați) care să lupte în locul tău costurile doar se multiplică și se întind pe perioade mult mai mari.

Dar din fericire și declarația de război este o alegere.

Și dacă nu alegi să lupți divorțul nu trebuie să coste mult. Singurele cheltuieli pe care le ai sunt o taxă notarială și eventual duplicare lucrurilor care le aveați în comun și trebuie să le aveți apoi fiecare câte unu.

Referitor la împărțirea bunurilor, a avea o situație financiară stabilă, cheltuieli mici și un stil de viață relativ flexibil a dus la cea mai bună situație posibilă într-o problemă de altfel dificilă.

Totuși, trecând prin asta, nu aș recomanda nimănui ca decizia de divorț să se ia prea ușor. Dacă încă ești căsătorit și mai este încă o șansă merită să lupți pentru ea.

Cum să rămâi căsătorit ?

Citește despre asta. De recomandat din timp, atunci când tu crezi că relația e …normală. Sunt secțiuni întregi de cărți despre sfaturi pentru relații. O carte care o recomand cu căldură este „The 5 Love Laguages” dar care încă nu am găsit-o în română. Mulți dintre noi (inclusiv eu) ne amăgim crezând că avem o relație perfectă și că facem o treabă excelentă în calitatea de soț făcând de fapt aceleași greșeli pe care le face toată lumea.

Mare greșeală…

Trebuie să lupți pentru relația ta. Acesta nu este un bun câștigat pe care o dată ce îl ai ești cu sacii în căruță și nu trebuie să mai faci nimic. Este la fel ca și democrația: un lucru pentru care trebuie luptat permanent iar relația ta trebuie alimentată continuu cu lucruri și sentimente care să vă apropie și să mențină dragoste aprinsă înainte ca lucrurile să devină prea grave

Nu poți să bați la cap și să critici partenerul ani de zile și să aștepți să te ierte când în sfârșit îți dai seama. Și pentru cei care sunt bătuți la cap – nu poți să ignori cererile partenerului ani de zile și să aștepți să fii iertat doar pentru că într-o zi ți-ai cerut scuze.

Sunt atât de multe lucruri mărunte cum ar fi să fii de partea lui în perioade grele, să oferi empatie sinceră, să fii cu adevărat fericit și să întâmpini partenerul cu căldură când vine acasă, să faci ceva special pentru el chiar dacă nu ți-a cerut. Toate acestea sunt uitate și se pierd în rutina cotidiană. Dar de fiecare dată când uiți acestea acestea faci o mică ruptură ireversibilă. Efectele se adună la fel ca eroziunea sau rugina, în ani și ani.

Deci partea proastă este că există un „prea târziu” iar ideea de a „repara o relație” chiar dacă pentru tine îți pare normală sau chiar obligatorie pentru cel care așteaptă de ani să iasă din relație i se va părea absolut imposibil.

Dar partea bună este că pentru tine cititorule poate să nu fie prea târziu iar beneficiile pot fi imediate dacă amândoi veți pune suflet în relație. Astfel orice gest pozitiv dintr-o parte va întâlni un răspuns pozitiv din cealaltă parte și va întări relația într-o spirală pozitivă.

PS. Am observat, și nu este un secret, că ajută să vorbești cu alții despre situația ta. Fi liber și spune-ți experiența în comentarii mai jos. Promit să „ascult”.

* Mulțumesc Mr Money Mustache pentru articolul omonim pe care l-am adaptat cu mici modificări pentru că s-a potrivit ca o mănușă peste situația mea

Lasă și pe alții să afle

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